Goodbye.

Hello all.

I've officially moved to...

www.leeyokeshan.blogspot.com

:)

This blog remains, only for anyone who wants to stalk my past..

that's if you can find any interesting.
or else, do hop to my new blog,

for new story of my life!
see ya there!

with love,

x.

Can't hold it in.

Relationship, friendship, family? Or nothing.

I supposed this is a sensitive issue. It might/might not offend you in any way, but if you're easily offended, then i reckon you to stop reading from this point.

I never did find this an issue,really. But just lately, it slowly annoys me. And I can't hold it in, and can't help but to blog about it, since it's quite an interesting topic to talk about. Would you choose relationship,friendship or your family? Of course, family beat others flat. Definitely i'll choose my family over anything regardless how much i'll get mad at my family members.

So now it's left with Relationship or Friendship? Hah, the ultimate question. For me, honestly i'll choose my friends. Really, you can ask my best friends e.g: claire. My close friends should know i prioritize them, more than i prioritize my boyfriend. But of course, don't ask me this --> "If your best friend and your boyfriend are sinking in the ocean, who would you save first?" Really? I'll choose none, I don't even know how to swim, probably I'd die even before i get to them.

What annoys me the most is when someone asks me to spend more time with them, instead of my boyfriend... and if my boyfriend's friend scold my boyfriend just cause he's spending too much time with me. Sorry, argument is invalid. If you proceed with that, you're just being ridiculous. First of all, in my situation, I don't even see my boyfriend that often, esp. now, since is SPM period. I can't promise if I'd after my SPM, but for the past 6 months, I never did see my boyfriend more than 5 days a week. The most i've ever seen him in a week, is just 3 times a week. Less than half the time I have in a week. And the only reason I see him is because he fetches me to church and back home, and maybe if we go watch a movie or something. I find it really funny if my friends tell me that i've been spending too much time with my boyfriend. *excuse me? For the past 3 weeks I have not seen him more than 10 minutes. Usually he'll only drop by my house once a week and check how i'm doing. Even on my birthday, he only came and gave me my present and that's it. Last friday was an exception. I needed him to fetch me to church since I had something to do, and we had supper after that. The most we spent together was only 3 hours.

So, argument is invalid.

For my boyfriend who has been spending too much time with me? *excuse me again. He only spends the most 3 days a week with me, and even if I do see him, is only during the weekends for church. Well, you want to talk/see my boyfriend right, I welcome you to church, and spend some time with him too. I'm not being protective/possessive over him, really. You have the other 4/5 days to see him too, and what not. Moreover I've not been spending any time with my boyfriend for the past 3 weeks. So if you think my boyfriend and I have been spending oh-so-much time that he ditched any of you in anyway, think again. He wasn't even here to spend with me on my birthday. Sure, some may say "Oh i don't allow my boyfriend out." That's not true. Maybe I do say no, but that's only if he uses the trick. If he tells me "oh baby, help me make the decision, I'll listen to you." I will not allow him, and he will tell his friends off. That's only to see if he'd do it for me. But less than 10 minutes, i'll be like "go la. I was just kidding. Just call me after you done." Please. I'm not a mean/evil girlfriend. If my boyfriend really wants to go out, he won't even bother to listen to me, and he will still leave the house nevertheless. Been there, done that. Even if I'm mad, he will still go out first, then only come back to me, honestly.

Once again, argument is invalid.

I do not believe that someone will pay more attention to their girlfriend/boyfriend after being in a relationship. Some people claims that they might change into a different person after getting a girlfriend/boyfriend. SORRY, ARGUMENTISINVALID. Definitely we'll spend more of our time on them, of course. I talk to my boyfriend 24/7 unless any of us are sleeping. But what makes you think I don't bother talking to you? Do you text/call me in the morning till the night? No. My boyfriend does. So definitely he'll gradually be a bigger part in my life. Do you care about what I've done the whole day and what not? Do you check on me? No. My boyfriend does. And of course, he's my boyfriend, I have to tell him everything no? And wouldn't you do the same? If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, would you not be talking/calling them? If you have the guts to tell me, "yeah i don't bother/give a shit about my girlfriend/boyfriend." Then fine. Is either, your relationship is fake, or.. maybe... I don't know.

I hate it when someone tells me "stop spending so much time on your boyfriend la." or "got boyfriend like that now la. no time for us la." -_- really? Then you want to come out with us or not? Oh don't want, say you're being a lamppost. Well I offered you, just you didn't want. And don't let me see you talking to your boyfriend/girlfriend 24/7 when you get one okay? I'll do the same.

Argument is only valid, when you've been talking to me 24/7 as my best friend, and I suddenly ditch you for my boyfriend.

Period.

No words,

can.. speak.

So so so so! SPM is overrrrr! HAH, how i wish, well not till December 5th, that is :)

I have 4 days of rest/study days to score for Accounts on Monday, but.. i totally lost my mood to study. I feel as if SPM has over, or even better, I never did sit for SPM. This past week of SPM was.. headache. I had 4 days of rest earlier too, to study for Chemistry & Biology this week, but guess what? Being the usual me, or any other SPM student, I didn't grab the chance, and I just let time passed by. I was basically just sleeping for 2 days straight, with the excuse of my birthday.. Not like my birthday was a special day, but yes, trying to make myself feel better, I told myself this. "Chillax yokeshan. It's your birthday, you deserve to rest.." Yeap, that went on for 2 days straight.. till. SUNDAY! When I realized I had no time to actually finish studying for Chemistry & Biology.. I was so stressed. And, Chemistry paper.. was so tough. I was kinda depressed after sitting for it.. I cried.

But oh well, no point crying over spilt milk :)

I'm just very glad that I'm done with science subjects. Not in a million years I'll ever touch Science again. Not even General Science. *let's hope that I don't have to study Science in A-Levels.

I understand how boring my blog is, but.. I'm so keen on starting to blog often now! Starting from December 5th. I just want to keep track of what I'm doing everyday when I start college/turn 18.

OH OH.

I'm finally seventeen. NGEHEH. who's the boss now >:)

My birthday, was not much of a big deal. I couldn't celebrate my birthday anyway, all cause of SPM.. yeah, mummy made the rule.. sort of.

BUT thanks to my bigbear. He surprised me with the gift I've ever wanted.

A silver plectrum pendant!

I've always wanted a guitar pick necklace, for all it matters. Yes I told him 3 things I've ever wanted, but who knew he'd give me this? I thought there's no way he will ever give this to me. If yes, I would have bought one for myself way long ago, no? It's the fact that we can hardly see this around in Malaysia unless you punch a hole in the plastic guitar pick (ya the one you use it to strum the guitar) and buy yourself a chain. Well, he got this, all the way from UK! This precious pendant of mine sat on the plane before! Don't play play hehe. And yes, it's engraved :) Happy enough to make me a happy girl! Don't know what I'd do without you, bigbear!

Then, my family totally forgotten it was my birthday till like 6pm. They decided to text me to wish me. HOW SINCERE, right? I know. And we made our way up to Gohtong Jaya for dinner. It was a lovely dinner, I had fun, regardless where we ate. It was the accompany I had. I always loved going out with my family.

Now, time for me to watch some desperate housewives! Time to slack, and skype with my bigbearlove!

plectrum to my heart.

yeah, that's me camwhoring with my precious necklace!

p.s:// i''m going away! :)

till then,

x.

You are my hope,

my everything.

I used to believe that whenever you're nice to someone, immediately you'll be treated nice as well. Well, honestly that's what I still believe. But i don't know why i always get disappointed. I treat people really nice, when I really call them my friend. I do not betray them, nor hurt them in any way. But sometimes, even the people whom I trust so much, disappoints me in the end. All I ever ask for are friends who I can really count on. Maybe not many, but all I need is just one. That one friend who is able to take me the way I am, and accept the real me. I go to the house of God, only to feel out of place. I go to school, only to feel left out. Even going to the house of God, can't make me feel any better, but I always tell myself, whenever I enter the presence of the Lord, I'll rejoice the truth, and let nothing condemn me. Usually, I will feel better after being in the presence of Him. But, after a few days, I'll start thinking too much, and realize that I've no friends to rely on. Sure, Jesus is my best friend. But even going cell group at times, can't make me feel worthy enough.

I always have insecurity problems when it comes to relationship/friendship. It hurts, you know? Knowing you have NO ONE, to count on. As time passes by, I only tend to lose friends, rather than to gain some true friends. 2 friends of mine, have just walked out of my life, and I miss them. I do.

I'm so tired of being left out, feeling out of place, and mostly, being judged for the wrong reasons. I'm sorry, for things I may or may not have done.

God, please please lead me. As I continue to search.. for the true friends that You shall bless me with. Show me who is right for me, and through You, I shall see.

6 more days,

till I'm 17.

Ah, my birthday will be in between my SPM exams, but thank God my birthday falls on a Saturday, hence no paper. But, my wish, for every year is to spend it with my loved ones. Family/Friends/Baby.

Wish, will you come true?

It's the one you freaked out,

and walked away.

Have you ever felt, this alone? I feel so worthless now. Nothing I can ever do now is good enough for my family. Neither to my mum, dad, bro nor sister. Sometimes I just can't take it anymore. I just need God. I just need to know that.. I'm worth to someone, and definitely, I'm worthy to God.

I need to find my identity in Christ.

And, I can't wait.. till I get out of here. To a new life. Discover the real me.

Ridiculous.

I just find this ridiculous. It's not an issue that you might be still mad, but it's been almost a year. I suggest you should just stop holding a grudge, and forget about the past. We cant be friends again? Anyway I've done my part. I've apologized long time ago, and times when I try to talk to you, but all you do is ignore me. Well suit yourself. But the fact that you're unwilling to be close to me again, its because you misunderstood, and never knew the real me. I once thought you were true, someone would have accepted me the way I am, someone who would have been my best guy friend. But you drowned our friendship. And there's nothing left. Maybe you do not feel it was such a waste, but I do. Not because I feel the guilt in me, but because I treasure our friendship.. but we no longer have any.

Grr. SPM starts tomorrow. Shall not let this bug me.

I pray that God will bless me abundantly and 10As, to my hands please! In Jesus Name, Amen.

11.11.2011

Lets make a wish.

Pour out Your love,

Well, well, look where we've come to. It's now, November! Can you believe it? Time passes so frigging fast, and one year has passed. Today marks the day my previous relationship started, and today, I'm 3 days away from my 5th month in my current relationship.

In this 12 months, I've learned a lot. Things can change within just months, people come and go. I might just grew a little bit stronger, mentally and physically. But currently, I'm so tired. So tired of having to deal with SPM which is just 12 days away. I am still slacking. What is wrong with me? Dear Lord, help me, please. I need Your favor in me..

You are God,
You are so Glorious,
You are so Powerful,
You are Victorious,
You are The One, Jesus.

Everything was once better,

Thank God for Blogger app on iPhone now! :) this is going to be so much easier to blog, just maybe when I feel like it! Or, if something catches my eye along the way. I might be coming back to blogging for that. Just might.

What if..

your love doesn't lasts?

I've forgotten the beauty of blogging. And now I wonder why I'm back here? Well, the truth is sometimes I do enjoy sitting alone, infront of the computer and just typing my thoughts out. Share my thoughts, but twitter has it's word limits which just restrain me from bombarding my twitter and spamming my followers, so my blog shall do it, since not many, wait correction, no one ever reads it. Joy.

Last week, I was approached by a question on twitter. I personally tweeted "Never ever missed someone so much before." And I received a reply, saying "that's what you say in your past relationship. It's best to never say rubbish like this."

Trust me, when I read that, I was furious and offended, of course. He, definitely wasn't my ex. And, whoever it was, no I'm not mad at him or anything, but what? It felt like I was personally attacked by him.

First of all. Do you even know who my tweet was referring to? Secondly, I'm pretty sure I definitely did not say that about my ex before. Thirdly, who are you to tell me what to tweet?

I know. This is ridiculous. I honestly don't get it. Am I at wrong? I know I used to blog about how much I love my ex in my previous blog posts, and now that I've found someone new, it proves that i'm not loyal. But just to clarify myself, a part of me will always love him. As every way. Although I can never forget him, all the things which I'm only holding to are memories. He left me. What was I supposed to? Am I supposed to wait on him forever? What's the point when he left me? He left me for someone new. And was I supposed to just keep waiting like a fool? I can't deny the fact that I will always love him, but hey, I got to pick myself up. Thank God when I was going through my darkest moments, I had someone with me. You have no idea how much pain he has put me through. And i blame him no more. I've let him go, and got over him. But, i honestly think I have the freedom and rights to pursuit my own happiness. Yes i may love someone else now, but I'll never forget my ex, and a part of me will always love him.

If i was at wrong, then wasn't he at wrong too? He said he loved me, but then he left me. What?

And I remember.

I wish I can take it back to a week ago. Don't I deserve any second chance? Why did you have to take it away from me this fast? Please. God, i'm begging you. I just want it back, so much. Why? I really really want to tell you everything I feel. I just want to tell you, how much I can't live without you. How much I want you back. How much I still love you. How much.. i'd do anything just to get you back. I may sound desperate. But that's the truth. I tried getting used to it. I tried accepting the fact. But I just can't.

I hope for God to make a change. and to make us, right again, someday.

I want you so badly. I'll just leave in denial. That maybe, someday we'll be back together. Yes, that's what i'll pray and hope for every single day. I can't let you go.. I love you too much to. I just hope you'd know how i feel. And how perfect together we'd be. There are some things that will never change. Right now, our picture is still my wallpaper, and my passcode is still 0211. Yes. that's how much I still can't let you go.

And I remember.

I wish I can take it back to a week ago. Don't I deserve any second chance? Why did you have to take it away from me this fast? Please. God, i'm begging you. I just want it back, so much. Why? I really really want to tell you everything I feel. I just want to tell you, how much I can't live without you. How much I want you back. How much I still love you. How much.. i'd do anything just to get you back. I may sound desperate. But that's the truth. I tried getting used to it. I tried accepting the fact. But I just can't.

I hope for God to make a change. and to make us, right again, someday.

I've got control now.

Just when I thought we wouldn't end like that, I thought wrong. AHAHHA it was like the same thing happening all over again.. Like how my previous one used to be. I mean, why? Why does it seem so easy for you to let go? It hurts me so much, that everytime I close my eyes, I'll cry in my sleep. And I just feel so afraid. It hurts me so bad. But everyday I just try to live.. I try a little hard.. but i just die a little more inside.

Thanks. I don't know what to say to you anymore.

Perfect to me.

This is my first post.. of year 2011. After one month. LOL I fail.

Anyway, Form 5 has been great! Despite all the stress and tuitions I've to keep up with, I'm quite fine. Tuition from Mon-Thurs. Cheer training on Fri. Youth&Church on weekends. I'm busy/out almost everyday. Bah. I need to manage my time well so I can find time to study T_T I'm always tired and exhausted. Oh well.

December '10 was a great month! Getting to spend time with the boyfriend for 6 days in a row! Church camp and Prom. How awesome could that be! And I still have yet to blog about it. Youth camp was practically the best, cause that was a very life changing 4 days. Thanks to New Life for every single thing. All the campers, pastors and Jinny :')

I'm bored. Bai.